#SayWhat?

     Before I started the 'Say Yes To God' online Bible study, I knew God was already preparing my heart for it. He asked me to demonstrate radical obedience and I had a big #saywhat? moment. Let me share with you.
     My husband and I were married on March 30, 2013 and we had decided that while we did want kids, we wanted to wait at least a year before trying to conceive. With that thought in mind, I started taking birth control pills. We had our plan. But God had His...
     On July 22, I was sitting at work and I took a few moments to read a blog someone had posted on Facebook about birth control from a Christian perspective. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, from other readings or from our pre-marital counseling, but all of a sudden, right in the middle of reading it, I felt God's presence so strongly! I almost began to weep at my desk when God impressed upon my heart, "Do you trust Me?" 
    Immediately, I was like, "Of course, God, I trust You." And He asked me again, "Do you trust Me?" He began to impress this thought upon my heart: Why am I taking birth control? So I thought about it for a moment and came to this conclusion...CONTROL! I mean, that's what its for, right? But for me, it was deeper than that; I've struggled with control issues my whole life and still do. I'm a work in progress, for sure! But I was taking birth control because I wanted to control when Joe and I have a baby because I'm scared and not ready yet. My thoughts (or excuses, rather): I have a medical condition that might cause a difficult pregnancy, and I have fears about being a bad mother that's rooted in hurtful words that were spoken over me. I just got married and I want to enjoy the married life before kids. But I felt like God was saying, "Don't you think I know that? And I know what's best for you and when you're ready."
     Immediate peace came rushing into my soul and I knew what I needed to do. I talked to my husband about it and he fully supported the decision to stop taking birth control, if that was what God had told me to do. But me and my thoughts (they get me into trouble) got to thinking, and I put it off for a couple days: I'm in Joe's sisters' wedding in April and if I stop now and get pregnant right away then I'll be due around her wedding and that's a problem, or I'll be huge in a bridesmaid dress and look just awful and be uncomfortable. (Yes, pathetic, I know!) I kept trying to justify why now just wasn't the right time. Joe told me that if God told me to do it, I needed to just do it. (Isn't that what we learned in Ch. 1 - Whatever he says do, do it?) Deep down in my heart, I KNEW I had heard what God had spoken to me and it required radical obedience. What would I choose?
     I wrote in my journal, Lord, HELP ME to trust you! I'm scared, but God, you've proven yourself faithful EVERY time and shown me you know what's best. EVERY time I have asked the Lord for direction, He has guided me and directed me in the way to go, and looking back on my life, it was the best for me. My life certainly hasn't gone the way I planned it to go. I had my time of rebellion and life MY WAY instead of GOD'S WAY. God was faithful when I wasn't; He was there when I didn't want Him; He took care of me when I depended on myself instead of Him; He forgave me when I needed it most. As I sit here and write this, with tears streaming down my face, I don't have words to say how thankful I am for God's goodness and mercy in my life. God has been so good to me, how can I not trust Him and say yes when He calls me to radical obedience? 
     I chose to say yes, to answer that call to obedience. When that fear starts to creep back into my heart, I remember the words that God spoke to me, the words that flooded my heart with peace, and they quiet my soul once again. Joe and I have given God complete control in that area; it feels good to rest in the trust that God's got it, and what will be will be, all in His time. 

#saywhat?

I Surrender - Jesus Culture