Our pastor has been doing a series called "Marriage God's Way" and I am loving it! His messages are so on-point and encouraging, yet challenging every week. This past Sunday, he discussed selfishness in marriage and how when we become married, we become a 'team'. Pastor and his wife even have a team name: Team REd (for the letters of their first names, Rachel and Ed). I've pondered this idea of being a team all week and it's importance in marriage. Joe and I are coming up on our one-year wedding anniversary on March 30th, and looking back over the past year of being married, I'm learning how important it is to truly embrace this idea of being a team.
I went into marriage with expectations, not just of what my husband would be and do and all that, but expectations for myself, as a wife and taking care of the home and such. On Sunday, Pastor said this: "God wants to use your spouse to make you less selfish and more Christ-like." OUCH!! Looking back, I realize that my expectations - no matter how 'good' - were really selfish; they were a self-righteous To Do list that I could check off and make me feel like I was a good wife and Joe was a good husband. And all would be well with the world. Haha! So not real! In this on-going process of being married, God has truly used my husband to make me more like Him, because marriage is not for my benefit. It's not about me. It's not about Joe. It's about us - as a team.
This idea of being a team has surfaced in our home this week in a very real way. Last night, Joe prepared dinner, and I did the dishes and cleanup afterward. We worked as a team to accomplish a task: dinner and a clean kitchen. Months ago, my expectation for myself would have been that it was on me to prepare the dinner AND cleanup, and Joe could help if he wanted or just relax on the couch after dinner. That expectation proved to be more than I could handle as quiet resentment would build and then I'd have a blow-up at Joe that he never did anything around the house to help me out and we'd just have a huge fight over a dirty pot in the sink. Stupid, I know! But it was real! Instead, last night was wonderful! As we ate, we discussed how we worked well as a team and came up with our team name: Team JoSa (Jo for Joe, and Sa for Sarah). Then we both relaxed after dinner together. :)
Just this morning, Joe and I prepared breakfast in a team effort (it didn't start that way, but that's how it ended). I had started making some bacon and Joe came home from working overnight. (He tried to sneak in so he could surprise me by making me breakfast but I beat him to it!) After a good morning kiss, he started making French Toast. Instead of me getting upset that he didn't want what I had planned - egg and bacon sandwiches on English muffins - I decided to go-with-the-flow and let him cook. Meanwhile, I washed dishes and I remembered, We're a team. He thanked me for washing dishes, I thanked him for cooking breakfast, and I said, "Go Team JoSa!". We both laughed. But I didn't feel guilty about letting him cook when I was the one who wanted to cook him breakfast. In fact, I felt free - truly free - to just enjoy the moments we shared in the kitchen together and to celebrate "us", Team JoSa.
It doesn't matter who does what; it matters that we both have a part and we do it together - a team effort. It's not worth fighting over who left a dirty pot in the sink, or who forgot to clean up her hair in the bathroom, or whatever it is that your spouse does to irritate you! :) There needs to be balance, and every relationship is different as we have different strengths from our spouses that play out in how we work together as a team. As Joe and I prepare for Baby M's arrival in 3 months, I am glad that we are learning the importance of being a team now, because we are going to have to be a team in raising our child and keeping our marriage a priority, while carrying on with the responsibilities of life. I'm ready for this challenge!
My advice to newlyweds: embrace the team mentality early in your marriage! It will spare you some frustration and fights! You can learn to enjoy the moments you have together, even if someone forgot to put the dirty socks in the hamper...
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